Three Dating Tendencies
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Logan Ury's framework categorizes people into three dating tendencies that explain their approach to relationships and common pitfalls they face.
The Three Dating Tendencies
- People can take a quiz on Logan Ury's website to determine their tendency
- Having language for these tendencies helps people understand their dating patterns
- Each tendency has specific advice to improve dating outcomes
Hesitator
- Don't think they're ready for dating because they're not the person they want to be yet
- Hold themselves to high standards
- Want to be completely ready before starting a new project, including dating
- Motto: "I'll wait till I'm a catch"
- Common among men who aren't putting themselves out there
- Advice: Just need to go from zero to one - start going on dates
Maximizer
- Love doing research and exploring all options
- Turn over every stone until they find the right one
- Make decisions carefully and want to be 100% certain before choosing
- Motto: "Why settle?"
- Often search too long for the perfect partner
- Experience diminishing returns over time in their search
- Can get left behind while searching for perfection
- Advice: Understand you can search forever for the perfect person, but you'll miss out on choosing someone great and building something together
- Research shows maximizers take longer to make decisions and question them afterward
Romanticizer
- Obsessed with the "how we met" story
- Want to find their soulmate and believe they'll "know it when they see it"
- Focus on the rom-com element of relationships
- Men tend to score lower on this tendency
- Ignore great potential partners who don't fit their romantic ideal
- When hitting relationship bumps, think "if it was my soulmate, we wouldn't have issues" instead of working through problems
- End relationships when they don't match their perfect vision
The Secretary Problem and Dating
- Based on optimal stop theory - how long to search before choosing
- In dating context: date from 18-40, the 37% mark is around 26.1 years old
- By 26, you've met your benchmark person
- Next time you find someone you like as much or more, choose them
- Many maximizers miss this opportunity, continuing to search into their 40s
- Research shows "satisficers" (opposite of maximizers) are often happier
- Satisficers know what they want and are happy when they find it
- Satisficers make equally good decisions despite searching less