Emotional Self-Disclosure Technique

This framework outlines a communication approach focused on emotional self-disclosure to build stronger relationships and trust.

Two Tracks of Interpersonal Communication

• Content track - filled with facts (levels 1-3)
• Relationship track - filled with emotion (levels 4-5)
  • This track must be filled for relationships to become closer and trust to increase

Five Levels of Communication

1. Ritual - Basic greetings like "Hey, how's it going?"
2. Extended ritual - Longer small talk like "How's the weather?" or "How's the game?"
3. Content - Facts and information like project status, deadlines, ideas
4. Emotional self-disclosure - Expressing how you personally feel emotionally
   • Saying "I feel sad" or "I feel angry"
   • Many people think they're doing level 4 but aren't (especially in English)
5. Mutual emotional self-disclosure - Expressing emotions about the other person
   • "I feel angry at you" or "I feel proud of you" or "I feel disappointed by you"
   • This is the deepest level of communication possible

The Problem with Unexpressed Emotions

• When you don't express emotions, they "leak" anyway
  • Through passive-aggressive behavior
  • By ignoring the person
  • Through tone like "Oh my god, it's late again"
• This creates negative feedback cycles:
  • You feel something negative
  • It leaks through your behavior
  • The other person senses it and dislikes you more
  • They behave in ways you dislike more
  • The relationship deteriorates

The English Language Challenge

• In English, we often say "I feel that..." or "I feel like..." without expressing actual emotions
• When you say "I feel that" or "I feel like," it's grammatically impossible for the next word to be an emotion
  • "I feel that you're an asshole" is not expressing an emotion
  • "I feel like this is fucked" is not expressing an emotion
• True emotional expressions are: "I feel sad" or "I feel happy"

How to Express Emotions Effectively

• Everyone is entitled to notice things and share their feelings
• You're not entitled to read others' minds, but you are entitled to share your feelings
• Frame it as sharing information, not attacking
  • "When I see you do this, the story I tell myself is that you don't respect me"
  • "I feel angry, and I just want you to know that"
  • "I'm guessing you probably aren't intending to make me feel that way"
  • "I thought it would be helpful to share this so you're aware"

Impact of This Approach

• Transforms relationships, including work and personal ones
• Increases closeness and trust among team members
• Can be uncomfortable at first but leads to meaningful connections
• Helps avoid passive-aggressive behavior and misunderstandings