Dating Is Learnable

Dating is a skill that can be learned and improved upon, not an innate ability. This framework helps understand how to approach dating systematically, especially for those who tend to approach other areas of life with strategy and process.

Dating as a Learnable Skill

• Dating is a relatively new concept in human history (started around 1800s)
• People are born knowing how to love but nobody teaches you how to date
• Many people are failing at dating because they don't approach it as a skill
• Dating can be improved through deliberate practice and learning

Why Modern Dating is Challenging

• Gender roles are evolving and creating confusion
  • Women now earn as much or more than their partners
  • Women carry double burden of work and domestic labor
  • Men were traditionally valued as providers, but that's no longer enough
• Emotional intelligence is the new currency in dating
  • Men were not raised to be emotionally intelligent
  • Men were told to be successful, be providers, make money
  • When men are vulnerable, some women perceive it as weakness
• The blurring of traditional gender roles is making dating more confusing
  • Women need to be more masculine in the workplace
  • Men need to be more feminine in relationships

Skills to Develop for Better Dating

• Emotional intelligence
  • Understanding your own emotions and others'
  • Being able to express vulnerability appropriately
• Conversational skills
  • Being interesting and interested
  • Asking good questions
  • Active listening
• Follow-through and reliability
  • Remembering details about the other person
  • Following up consistently
• Relational skills
  • Building and maintaining connections
  • Creating trust and safety

Practical Ways to Improve Dating Skills

• Men's groups as a powerful tool for growth
  • Create a council of peers (about 6 men)
  • Meet monthly to discuss challenges
  • Create a safe space to express emotions (anger, sadness)
  • Hold each other accountable
  • Provides better growth than therapy in some cases (peer support vs. female therapist)

The Maximizer Problem in Dating

• Many ambitious people are "maximizers" who search for the perfect partner
• They want to combine the best qualities from different people
• This approach leads to diminishing returns over time
• The "secretary problem" applies to dating (reference to optimal stopping theory)