Turning Towards Bids

The Gottman Institute's research shows that successful relationships depend on how partners respond to each other's "bids" for connection in everyday interactions.

What are bids for connection?

• Small, everyday moments where one partner reaches out for emotional connection
• Can be subtle signals like sighs, comments, or questions
• Example: "Sam walks into the room where Sarah's on her laptop and she sighs" - that sigh is a bid for connection

Three ways to respond to bids

• Turn towards: Acknowledge and engage with your partner's bid (e.g., asking "What's happening?")
• Turn away: Ignore the bid completely
• Turn against: Respond negatively (e.g., "Why are you making so much sound? I'm on an important phone call")

The 86% vs. 33% difference

• Successful couples with happy, long marriages turn towards each other's bids 86% of the time
• Couples that break up or have relationship problems only turn towards each other 33% of the time
• This significant difference predicts relationship success

Relationship fitness vs. relationship health

• We should view relationships like "mental fitness" rather than just "mental health"
• Working on a relationship doesn't mean it's broken - it means you're strengthening it
• Relationships aren't about big moments (honeymoons, trips) but about daily interactions
• Like physical fitness, relationship fitness requires consistent work and attention
• The Gottmans' research shows relationships are built through these small daily interactions

John Gottman's research credibility

• Has studied relationships for approximately 50 years
• Can predict divorce with approximately 90% accuracy within minutes of observation
• Uses observable patterns of interaction to make these predictions