Slow Burn Versus Spark
Share
Logan Ury challenges the common belief that immediate chemistry ("the spark") is essential for successful relationships. She advocates for giving potential partners more time to develop feelings.
The Problem with "The Spark"
- Logan's tagline is "fuck the spark" after seeing many people reject promising partners
- People expect to feel an immediate rom-com moment of "butterflies and rainbows"
- Many give up on potential relationships if they don't feel immediate chemistry
- This approach causes people to miss out on potentially great partners
Three Myths of the Spark
-
Myth: If I don't feel it from the beginning, it can't grow
- Only 11% of people experience love at first sight
- Many people develop feelings over time
- People often marry someone from their apartment building or workplace because feelings grow gradually
-
Myth: If you feel the spark, it's a good thing
- Some people are naturally "sparky" and give that feeling to everyone
- This can be misleading about the actual connection
- Some "sparky" people may have narcissistic tendencies
-
Myth: If you have a spark, the relationship is viable
- Relationships that start hot and heavy can fade over time
- Initial chemistry doesn't guarantee long-term compatibility
The Slow Burn Alternative
- Logan married a "slow burn" - someone who takes time to warm up
- By giving her husband more time, she found "an amazing lottery pick"
- Her husband isn't immediately charming but is smart, funny, and principled
- She describes finding someone who lives by their own rules and doesn't care what others think
Practical Dating Advice
- If you feel zero attraction (especially for men), don't go on a second date
- If you feel some attraction, give that person another chance
- Especially important if you don't go on many dates
- Look beyond immediate chemistry for deeper compatibility
Maximizers vs. Satisficers
- Satisficers are happier and make equally good decisions as maximizers
- Satisficers know what they want and are happy when they find it
- Maximizers take longer to decide and question their decisions afterward
- Research from Adam Grant shows satisficers are generally happier
The Value of Committing Earlier
- People underestimate the opportunity cost of not committing when younger
- Having a partner witness your life journey is "precious"
- Growing together creates a deeper connection
- Waiting for peak success/fitness before committing can be a mistake